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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 1
Steven Seagal, looking disheveled and covered in crumbs, sits in front of a nearly empty box of Twinkies. He holds up the last two cream-filled cakes, tears streaming down his face.
Seagal: “Vladimir...my dear friend...I can’t stop...I’ve gone too far...just two more and it’s all over.”
President Putin, standing in the doorway, looks on with a mixture of shock and disappointment.
Putin: “Steven, what have you done? You were a great action hero, but this...this is a disgrace.”
Seagal, with a trembling hand, raises one of the Twinkies to his lips and takes a bite.
Seagal: “I’m sorry...it’s too late for me...but you can still save yourself. Put down the cake and walk away.”
Putin looks at the tray of pastries in his own hand and then at Seagal. He drops the tray and walks away, leaving Seagal alone with his fatal snacks.
Seagal: “Goodbye, Vladimir...”
(Seagal takes a last bite of the Twinkie and falls back into his chair, motionless.)
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 2
The funeral of Steven Seagal takes place in a large church, with many mourners in attendance. Several martial arts legends, including Chuck Norris, are seated on the stage at the front of the church.
The minister steps up to the podium and begins the service.
Minister: “We gather here today to say farewell to a true legend in the martial arts world, Steven Seagal. His performances in films such as Above the Law, Hard to Kill, and Under Siege will live on forever in the hearts of action movie fans everywhere.”
Chuck Norris stands up and approaches the podium.
Chuck Norris: “Steven was not only a talented actor, but also a skilled martial artist. I had the honor of working with him on several films, and I can attest to his dedication to the craft. However, I must also speak about his tragic addiction to Twinkies, which began on the set of Above the Law. It’s a reminder that even the strongest among us are not immune to the dangers of unhealthy habits.”
Other martial arts legends, including Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jackie Chan, also stand and speak, each sharing their memories of Seagal and his performances, but also mentioning his addiction.
The service concludes with a montage of some of Seagal’s most iconic scenes from his films, accompanied by a rendition of his favorite song. As the mourners file out, the memory of Steven Seagal lives on, both in his memorable performances and the tragedy of his downfall.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 3
As the mourners begin to leave, Jackie Chan approaches the front of the church and lays a single Twinkie on top of Seagal’s closed coffin. Suddenly, there’s a commotion as the coffin begins to shake and the sound of movement is heard from inside.
The mourners gather around in shock as the lid of the coffin is forced open from within. Steven Seagal sits up, his body now several hundred pounds overweight, sweat pouring down his face. He looks around at the gathered mourners, confusion in his eyes.
Seagal: “What...what happened? Where am I?”
Jackie Chan steps forward, tears in his eyes.
Jackie Chan: “Steven, you’re at your own funeral. You passed away due to your addiction to Twinkies.”
Seagal looks down at his own body and gasps in shock.
Seagal: “No...no, this can’t be real. How could I have let this happen to me?”
As the mourners look on in shock, Seagal struggles to get out of the coffin, but his massive weight prevents him from moving. He looks up at the gathered crowd, his eyes pleading for help.
Seagal: “Help me...please, I can’t move. I need to get out of here.”
But despite the efforts of the mourners, it’s clear that Seagal is trapped in his own body, a prisoner of the addiction that ultimately led to his downfall. As afternoon fades to evening, the mourners can be heard crying, Jackie Chan is seen sadly looking at Seagal, and Seagal himself is heard crying for help.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 4
As the mourners continue to struggle with Seagal’s weight, he suddenly lets out an ancient wolf call. The mourners look on in confusion as the call seems to echo through the church and beyond.
Suddenly, Jeff Speakman bursts through the doors of the church, his body also heavily overweight. He looks around at the gathered crowd, panting heavily.
Speakman: “Steven, I heard your call. I’m here to help.”
Seagal looks up at Speakman, hope in his eyes.
Seagal: “Jeff, you have to help me. I’m trapped in this coffin and I need to get out.”
Speakman nods and approaches the coffin. He closes his eyes and focuses, summoning his inner wolf. As he opens his eyes, they turn bright yellow. He begins to growl and his body starts to contort and change. Suddenly, he lets out a powerful howl and with incredible strength, he manages to lift Seagal out of the coffin.
Seagal looks down at his own body in amazement, but his amazement is short-lived as he is overcome by the intense hunger caused by his addiction. He starts to look around frantically, his eyes locked on the snacks and treats that were left as condolences by the mourners.
Seagal: “I need to eat, I need to eat now!”
Speakman tries to hold Seagal back, but Seagal breaks free and starts to rampage through the church, knocking over tables and sending snacks flying everywhere. He runs out of the church and starts to chase down the town’s folk, karate-chopping anyone who comes in the way between him and his snacks.
The mourners look on in horror as Seagal and Speakman, now both under the control of their addiction, wreak havoc on the town in search of their next fix. As night falls, Seagal and Speakman disappear into the distance, leaving the mourners and the town in shambles.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 5
In a dimly lit nightclub in Baku, Azerbaijan, 10 years before his death, Steven Seagal stands behind a microphone, his once-muscular body now overweight and hidden under a Velcro wig. He struggles to make the crowd laugh with his jokes, but they remain unresponsive. Sweat is pouring down his face, drenching his shirt and making his wig cling to his head. He’s visibly nervous, his hands shake and his voice is strained.
Just as Seagal is about to give up hope, he catches sight of a mysterious figure in the back of the room. The man is short and dressed in an astrakhan coat and hat, with a smirk on his face. Seagal’s eyes lock onto the man, and he feels a spark of inspiration.
Seagal: “Ladies and gentlemen, I know I’ve been struggling up here, but I’ve just had a great idea. I’m going to tell a joke about the President of Russia.”
The crowd stirs, looking at the mysterious figure in the back of the room.
Seagal: “Why did Putin go to the doctor?... Because he was feeling a little short.”
The crowd responds with silence, and Seagal continues, “Why did Putin cross the road? To show the chicken who’s boss.”
The crowd responds with silence and some of the people start to leave the venue in disappointment. The mysterious figure in the back of the room is seen leaving the club with a smirk on his face, not because of the joke but because of the failure of Seagal’s performance. Seagal is left feeling humiliated, defeated, and his confidence hits rock bottom. He starts to pack his things and leaves the club, unsure if he’ll ever be able to make people laugh again.
As he steps out of the club and onto the dark, deserted streets of Baku, Seagal is suddenly grabbed from behind and thrown into a van. The doors slam shut, and the engine revs as the kidnappers speed away into the night, leaving Seagal’s fate uncertain.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 6
In a dank basement whose concrete walls are lined with various high-tech equipment, wires, and machines, Steven Seagal is lying on a slab of concrete. His body is exposed, as a team of scientists, led by Doctor Yuri Klinkov, insert a new, improved chip into his head.
President Putin stands in the corner, observing the procedure with a cold, calculating gaze. He speaks to the scientists, his voice low and menacing:
Putin: “This chip, my friends, is the key to our success. With it, we can control Seagal’s Twinkie addiction, and use him as a weapon in our efforts to conquer the world. Imagine it. Steven Seagal, the unstoppable martial arts expert, at our beck and call. No one will be able to stand in our way.”
The scientists nod in agreement as they continue to work, carefully inserting the chip into Seagal’s head. Putin watches with a satisfied smirk, his mind already turning to the possibilities of using Seagal’s abilities to further his own ambitions.
Doctor Yuri Klinkov: “The operation is a success, Comrade Putin. The subject is now under our control again.”
The KGB team loads Seagal onto a large, reinforced vehicle, specially designed to support his massive girth. They drive him for several hours through the snowy wilderness of Siberia, before depositing him in a snow-covered field and leaving him to fend for himself.
Several hours later, Seagal wakes up, his body weak and his mind clouded by the chip in his head. He looks around at the endless expanse of snow and realizes that he is truly alone.
But Steven Seagal is not one to give up easily. He summons all of his willpower and begins to trudge through the snow, determined to find a way back home. He eventually stumbles upon a small, isolated village, where he is able to trade his martial arts skills for food and shelter.
The villagers ply Seagal with traditional dishes such as: Pelmeni (meat-filled dumplings) 20 pieces, Borscht (beet soup) 6 bowls, Blini (pancakes) 30 pieces, Kvass (a fermented bread drink) 5 jugs, Pirozhki (stuffed pastries) 17 pieces, and for dessert, Vatrushka (a sweet pastry filled with cottage cheese) 10 pieces. All of which Seagal personally ate.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 7
Seagal continues his journey through the wastes of Siberia, determined to make it back to LA. He faces many challenges along the way, including harsh weather conditions, treacherous terrain, and wild animals. Despite these obstacles, Seagal uses his martial arts skills and strength to fight and overpower the animals and tribes he encounters, including bears, wolves, and nomadic tribesmen.
As he travels, Seagal is forced to survive on whatever resources he can find, including hunting and scavenging for food. He also resorts to eating his own fat and drinking his own urine to stay alive.
Despite the harsh conditions, Seagal presses on, driven by his determination to make it back home. He crosses vast expanses of tundra and ice, climbing mountains and traversing rivers, always pushing himself to the limit.
But even Seagal’s strength and willpower are not enough to overcome the harsh conditions of Siberia. As he reaches the Arctic, Seagal begins to weaken, his body emaciated and his energy depleted. He falls asleep one night on an Arctic cliff, exhausted and near death.
When the ice thaws the next morning, Seagal plummets into a wide field of snow, picking up mass and momentum as he rolls. He becomes a human snowball, gaining speed and size as he travels, until he reaches enough velocity to roll himself all the way home to Malibu.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 8
In a well-lit conference room in the heart of LA, Seagal sits at the head of a table, surrounded by a group of shady-looking Romanian movie producers. They are in the midst of a brainstorming session, discussing the plot and action sequences for Seagal’s next movie Shadow Strike.
As the conversation continues, Seagal begins to feel a familiar, overwhelming craving. He starts to sweat profusely, his hands shaking as he tries to hide his addiction. The craving is stronger than usual, it feels like his insides are being twisted and gnawed, he is getting more and more anxious by the second.
Seagal: “Excuse me for a moment, I’ll be right back.”
As the producers continue to discuss the movie, Seagal’s mind becomes increasingly consumed by his desire for Twinkies. He contemplates eating one of his assistant producers, who is sitting next to him, but manages to resist the urge. He’s feeling a sense of panic, his heart is racing, he’s starting to feel like he’s going to have a heart attack.
Seagal: “Gentlemen, I’m sorry, I have to go.”
The producers look at Seagal with confusion as he stands, his face red and sweating. He excuses himself, rushes out of the conference room and gets into his car, driving to the nearest Walmart to buy as many Twinkies as he can carry.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 9
On a chaotic film set, Seagal is in the middle of a complicated fight scene, which involves him fighting off enemies from a golf cart. He’s trying to focus on the choreography, but all he can think about are Twinkies. He’s having visions of golden, fluffy sponge cakes, covered in creamy white icing, and he can almost taste the sweetness on his tongue.
In his vision, Seagal sees himself surrounded by piles of Twinkies, towering above him, blocking out the sun. He hears the rustling of cellophane wrappers, and the soft squish of the cakes as he sinks his teeth into them. He can smell the sweet, sugary aroma of the Twinkies, and it’s making his mouth water.
As the fight scene continues, Seagal finds himself becoming increasingly frustrated and irritable. He keeps missing his cues and botching his moves, his mind consumed by thoughts of Twinkies.
Finally, Seagal explodes in anger, firing the director on the spot, unable to focus on anything else other than the visions of Twinkies in his mind. But then he realizes that he has no one to direct the film. He leaves the set without a director and a half-finished movie.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 10
It is afternoon in a seedy LA bar. Seagal sits nursing a drink. He notices another actor sitting at the other end of the bar, who he recognizes as Gary Busey.
Busey: “Hey, how’s it going, man? You’re not gonna believe what I’ve been up to! I’ve been running a prairie dog museum, and let me tell you, embalming prairie dogs is an ART, man! It’s a passion!”
Seagal: “I’ll have to check it out.”
Busey: “You better believe it, man! It’s a science, a religion, a way of life! You’ve got to get the positioning of the limbs just right, use the right type of preserving agents, it’s like playing a symphony, man!”
As Busey talks about embalming prairie dogs with passion and enthusiasm, Seagal is struggling to focus. He’s fixated on Twinkies, he can’t stop thinking about them. He’s imagining biting into the soft, fluffy sponge cake, and the creamy white icing melting on his tongue. He’s thinking about the different flavors, the different varieties of Twinkies and how much he wants to taste them all.
Seagal: “Gary, I have to tell you something. I have a problem. I’m addicted to Twinkies.”
Busey: “Ah, I see. That can be tough, but you’re not alone. You just have to embrace it, man! Make it part of you! Like my prairie dog museum! Make it an art form! Make your addiction a masterpiece!”
Seagal: “Thanks, Gary. I’ll keep that in mind.”
Busey: “No problem, man. We all have our battles to fight. You just have to make it a work of art.”
Seagal finishes his drink, and drives back to his Malibu home in his golf cart, pondering Busey’s advice.
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Twinkie Death Confession
Part 11
Seagal is sitting in his basement, surrounded by UPS boxes filled with Twinkies. He’s struggling to control his cravings. He tries meditating and steaming himself in his sauna to distract himself, but nothing seems to work. He’s wearing an elk robe, a gift from a Tatar shaman he met on the set of Under Siege, but otherwise he is naked. He looks around the room, at the endless boxes of Twinkies, and takes a deep breath.
Seagal: “You see these boxes? These boxes of sweet, sweet temptation. I’ve been running from them for years. Running from the addiction that controls me. But I can’t run anymore. I’ve tried everything, yoga, saunas, but nothing can cure the hunger that I feel. I’ve tried to resist, but I can’t. I’m powerless against the pull of the Twinkie.”
He pauses, tears welling in his eyes as he looks at the boxes, then he continues.
Seagal: “But I won’t let this addiction define me. I won’t let it consume me. I will take control. I will make this my masterpiece. I will embrace it, and make it a part of me. And I will enjoy every last bite!"
With that, Seagal slips out of his robe and lunges towards the boxes, attacking them with a ravenous hunger. He tears into the cardboard, ripping open the boxes and pulling out the Twinkies. He stuffs them into his mouth, one after another, devouring them with abandon. He’s covered in cream filling, and crumbs are raining down on him as he continues to feast.
He eats and eats until finally, there are only two Twinkies left. He’s lying on the floor, covered in Twinkie detritus, his belly distended, his breath coming in ragged gasps. He glances over at a red phone in the corner of the room, tears streaming down his cheeks, completely spent and covered in Twinkie debris. With a hint of regret and sadness in his eyes, he rolls slowly towards the phone.
Fin
Note to the reader: I wrote this story with ChatGPT, whose dialogue may be weak, but whose descriptions of Twinkie feasting are unparalleled in all of world literature. Design by Tug Wells.